Photo by Rikki Vieira
Copyright 2012 Nouk Sanchez
In the ‘special’ relationship dynamic we might be tempted to make a habit of meeting another’s needs. And this is okay provided we review our deeper intent. Because the intent beneath the so called loving and caring acts of the ego, are fueled by fear and deprivation; and not by Love.
If I am unable to give to myself, if I am unable to be myself, if I am unable to express my vulnerability, if I am unable to forgive myself, and if I am unable to meet my own needs…then how in the world can I meet another’s needs?
If I do not yet know myself and I attempt to play the role of meeting another’s needs, then I will eventually harbor resentment that will lead to inner and outer conflict. This is how the unconscious ego works. I want to be loved and cherished so I decide to give as much as I can. I may even try to make myself indispensable. But what I’m doing is placing a ‘false-self’ between us in this relationship. Let’s call it the ‘doer’. The ‘doer’ is the pseudo face I present as me. And that’s the face I want others to see and admire, and depend upon. But where then am I, while the ‘doer’ runs around meeting other’s needs? Who is present here within me, with mindful awareness honoring the real Self… while I have abandoned myself in order to be the ‘doer’?
The ‘doer’ then, would be an image the ego uses to shield myself from recognizing the real Love that I am; and that others are. Because eventually I will become resentful of the ones I love when they don’t appreciate or reciprocate my loving acts. I will say that I am not loved. But I am not the ‘doer’! I am the Holy Self beneath this façade.
Fearing rejection, especially when challenged to relate from an authentic and vulnerable place within, I will project the ‘doer’ as my false identity. And then when others do not SEE me, acknowledge me and meet my needs, I will feel ignored, betrayed or abandoned. Yet…it must be me who abandoned myself first. In truth, I could never be rejected, betrayed or abandoned had I not rejected myself first.
When the ego is trying to meet another’s needs, then it’s the ego’s needs that we are meeting. And not the Holy Self.
When we rush to meet another’s needs, ask first, “What is this for?” “What is my intent beneath this?” “Does it come from Love and trust?” “Or does it come from fear and doubt?” We cannot really meet another’s needs truly, until we have learned to meet our own. We cannot give to another what we don’t yet recognize we already have within our Self.
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What a humbling and delight-filled message this is. Thank you very much for reaching into our One Mind to bring forward this juicy tidbit of Truth. We seem to spend so much time ‘doing’ when spending more focus on simply Being is enough. God loves us all just as we are,regardless of how far we have seemingly come in realizing His Abundant Love within ourselves.
Thank you for continuing to pioneer this Truth in ways that we can accept and assimilate into our Hearts and One Mind. We walk together in Truth.
Your Love is Huge and absolutely palpable.
Triskana
Thank you sweet Sis! Such a delight to share…and to heal together.
Great Love,
Nouk <3
i enjoyed a lot this message nouk…thank u a lot for sharing such wisdom 😀 love, ilda
Spot on! The mind must become aware of all that is present so that it can stop blocking the natural glow of love from within, and only then does that glow shine and extend to others unhindered, otherwise the blocks to love are simply ways to see others as having needs in the first place, and to fail to be able to meet those needs. Ultimately this means God fulfills all real needs, and ignores the rest.
Thanks Nouk.
Love this article and posted the link on my Facebook page – too good not to share! So much freedom when we let go of being the ‘doer’ and become aware of our motives behind meeting ‘others’ needs. Letting go of this identity is so FREEING and the freeing is not just for yourself, but for everyone. Who wants to be seen as ‘needy’? It is such egoic arrogance when we impose this idea onto others and makes them a victim. This doesn’t mean we stop caring and giving, it simply means we do it from a different place in our minds and hearts. It becomes true unconditional giving from a place of fullness and joy in our hearts with no expectations. When we fill our own needs, then we no longer need to create a false identity that hides our own neediness under the guise of meeting others needs.
Thanks Eileen! Very helpful…
<3
Love,
Nouk
This wonderful message has provided me with the strength to make a necessary change in my life. Thank-you
Just trust in your own inner Wisdom…and it will always be a win-win outcome in the end…
Blessings,
Nouk
your message brings light to an issue that I have struggled with my entirely. Thank you!
Thanks, Nouk. I use your book about Undoing the Ego in my healing work. I know from ACIM that “I need do nothing”, yet I’m almost addicted to giving to others all the time. I wasn’t thinking that it was an ego trick…I’ll have to look at it more closely now. Your story above about the “doer” fits right into my lifestyle.
Glad it’s helped you unearth this facet of the unconscious saboteur…
Blessings,
Nouk
Great timing for me – thank you. I will try to operationalize this at our upcoming family Thanksgiving dinner !!
Dear Nouk,
I have intellectually known what you write for some time now. Still it is a journey to apply it… and there is one thing I don’t see with clarity yet: Mothering a baby!
It seems to me that, yes, wanting to meet others’ needs is often about the ego and wanting to get something in return, leaving me feeling exhausted and angry. And: I have the same with Olivia (now 15 months). I am shocked at how much anger I feel towards her “needing me” all the time, day and night. Exhausted. Burdened. Unfree. She goes from one sickness to the next. There is no break. Wanting to escape. (Would love to join you guys in Israel…)
But: On the other hand I believe that the mother-baby-relationship is that way: I “have to” give. A voice says: I am her mother. What am I supposed to do? Ignore her cries??? Stop feeding her and changing diapers?? Traumatize her by leaving her???
Could you help me get what I need to know here…?
Thank you and Love!
So grateful for your articles and for leading the way.
Kendra
Dear Kendra,
What is going on within Kendra? Where is Kendra feeling sick? Where is Kendra feeling needy? Why does Kendra believe she must be indispensable?
These are the unconscious projections that seem to manifest in Olivia. But they are calling to be seen and gently surrendered to Spirit for healing. What are Kendra’s worst fears with Olivia? Has Kendra unearthed these and wholeheartedly surrendered them yet? Does she recognize that it’s her own (ego) guilt and dreadful fear of God’s punishment…that drives her compulsion to worry and to over-extend herself? Is Kendra unknowingly trying to replace God for Olivia? And then resenting her for it?
Could it be possible that once Kendra surrenders her need to control and reaches an inner trust in Spirit…that she will also extend that deep trust over to Olivia? And then Olivia will respond with a healthy interdependence instead of an unhealthy co-dependence with Kendra. Kendra’s trust in Spirit must translate to Olivia. I have a feeling that once Kendra exhumes her fears and releases them to Spirit…that Olivia will respond to the miracle as well.
Practice the Atonement/forgiveness process: http://undoing-the-ego.org/noukblog/?p=231 Do it with each of your unearthed fears and resentments. If you truly recognized that there is no Olivia, but only the 15 month old Kendra…what would she be trying to tell you about yourself? Let the young Kendra write to you. What does she want you to see and release?
Big Love,
Nouk
Dear Nouk,
a million thanks for your questions. When the babysitter was there today I went to a cafe and wrote down what came to me.
Basically I found out that I am full of guilt (surprise, surprise…). I feel guilty towards Olivia for not being the “perfect” mother I think I should be. I feel responsible for her, yes, replacing God. I have to do it, if I make a “mistake”, I will mess her up for her entire life. What a burden!
I went through the guilt and the fear and asked HS to look at it with me.
Then the interesting thing happened: I went to let little Kendra write to me. I expected more stuff to be excavated that I would hand over to Spirit. But the overall message was: You are ok! You are not the “perfect” mother, but you are really doing very well, you have learnt from the experience of “little Kendra”, you hardly ever get upset with Olivia, you almost never scream at her, you let her be herself and discover the world, you make sure she is not alone during the night, you still breastfeed and give her a lot of closeness, you take her to places and to meet people, you allow her to be “messy”. You are no longer passing on so many of the painful patterns that existed in our family until your generation. You can have breaks, it’s ok, and I would always choose you as mummy!!!
Wow!!!
I am still taking this in. I suddenly feel – GOOD! Full of energy and optimistic. I look at Olivia and ask: What is mothering without guilt like? Let me know! Looking forward to what to find out.
Thank you again, dear. Tremendously looking forward to seeing you again. Enjoy your time out 😉
Love and hugs,
Kendra
Wow Kendra!
What a relief…
You said this: What is mothering without guilt like?
Mothering without guilt is teaching Olivia to have no guilt, teaching her that she is wholly innocent. While Kendra releases her inner-critic, both Kendra and Olivia are born again into *LOVE* and eternal innocence. Now…they are safe and secure…
Much Love,
Nouk
Kendra? Have you ever thought about this: that Olivia may well have been your own Mother in a previous life. Just remember that Olivia’s life-plan in the ego dream began a few billion years ago at the start of the separation. Her “appearance” here and now, is only a single frame in a vast reel of film. Looking at it this way, may help give you more perspective on what your ego tells you is your level of “responsibilty” for olivia.
In truth, Olivia wrote her own script before her birth. You can best serve her by healing your own sense of guilt and separation…
When we heal, we never heal alone.
<3
Nouk