Copyright 2016 Nouk Sanchez
Click here for the AUDIO VERSION
We say we want to awaken from suffering. We say we desperately desire to know our Self as Love without opposite. Yet there is something we seem to be missing. The Truth is that we all have immediate access to an untapped goldmine, a quantum acceleration of this divine transformation. But do we recognize it? And do we accept these gifts and use them consistently? No.
Contrary to what the ego teaches, the people and things that trigger us are indeed the very gifts that hasten our return to Love, to our Holy Self and the immense safety of our Being. However through the ego filter we not only reject these gifts but fiercely defend our (ego) self from this valuable portal to liberation.
I finally realize the valuable significance and precious consequences of daring to look more deeply at my own triggers. I see clearly that if I feel triggered then it’s always an opportunity and never a threat. Let’s look at this. The only part of me that can be triggered is the ego. And I am not the ego. So what am I really defending myself from?
At the highest level the only threat the ego defends against is Love. However, it doesn’t want us to see this. Instead, it makes sure that Love is always disguised as a legitimate threat. That way, we will react to the threat and not the call for Love beneath it. Responding to the threat as an attack we will defend not realizing that whatever we defend against we end up attracting.
If I continue to follow the ego’s obsessive belief that: a) I can be unfairly treated, and b) I am justified in defense, then I am convincing myself that “I am the ego.” The minute I am triggered and feel justified to defend then the Truth, the “I AM” as the Christ, is forgotten to me. The sanctity, the innocence and the invulnerable grace of who I AM is then banished from my awareness because I chose to value the ego in that moment.
Every experience arises from what we value and most of this is unconscious pain skillfully disguised as our pursuit for love, safety, security and pleasure. This unconscious urge to value pain cannot be escaped until we actively engage in undoing our false identity via applying the 7 Key Principles to authentic communication here: https://nouksanchez.com/nouks-blog/the-seven-powerful-keys-to-holy-relationships/
Mostly now when I feel triggered the old feeling of doom has disappeared. For the most part it is replaced by a sense of curiosity followed quickly by enthusiastic expectation. This trigger is not a threat! No. It’s always a beautiful gift if I will stop and ask Spirit to help me repurpose it. I ask for the gift/s beneath the ego’s first interpretation.
The person or thing that triggers us always has a sacred purpose. It comes as our savior not to harm us but to release us from our own unconscious self-sabotage.
What do my Triggers Hide?
If I am triggered by another person then I am unknowingly projecting my own self-judgment, using them to attack myself. For example, many years ago I had a pattern of attracting all kinds of criticism especially in my personal relationships. It seemed as if I was under a constant barrage of judgments from others. I was never good enough. I became an addicted people-pleaser and the harder I tried to meet others needs the more I experienced conflict. I seemed to be damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t. There was no respite from my dilemma.
Little did I know back then that the one I consistently attempted to please was always the ego. I had no idea that each time I tried to meet the needs of others it was the ego’s need I was meeting. And in order to address these requests I would first abandon my own inner knowing. That tiny “thud” within, the one which attempted to warn me that I was about to betray myself to the idea that sacrifice would buy me the love I wanted. The ego cannot love. It can’t give Love nor receive it. The toxic but hidden agreement of all special relationships is: “I will love you as long as you do what I (ego) want. If not? I won’t love you any longer.”
When I finally saw the ongoing destruction of the ego’s harmful specialness dynamic I did not desire it any longer. I was willing and open to correction from Spirit. It was time to look at the constant barrage of criticism I had attracted in a new, enlightened way.
What was the gift beneath these judgments? If there is only one of us here then who is judging? And then I saw the gift. Aha! My partner, family and friends simply mirrored to me my very own destructive self-judgments. I was lazy, weak, abstract, a dreamer, irresponsible, slow, stupid and entirely unworthy. Hmmmm. These were the ego’s hidden evaluations of myself; ones that I had not unearthed and exchanged for the miracle. Because I had not exhumed them with the light of Spirit and surrendered all these fears and judgments, they were projected outward and used to make it appear as if I was unfairly treated.
Here is the miracle, the gift beneath my trigger. Had I not experienced all those judgments from others, as painful as it was, I would never have realized the source, the fundamental cause of all of them as being in my own mind. The ego was on a never-ending destructive loop trying to solve my dilemma, looking for love in all the wrong places. It did anything to distract me from finding the single source of all my pain and conflict – within.
The miracle came once I recognized that I had unknowingly used all my relationships to mirror my own wrong-minded judgments. So now the gift came in the form of me having the greatest gratitude for everyone in my life. Now I could really Love these people and offer them the gratitude and trust which the ego had previously denied.
Suddenly, the outer judgments stopped. When I withdrew my judgments of myself and them, all my relationships became an expression of my newfound inner state.
Permission to be Called Out
Another beneficial thing occurred. I became open to constructive criticism. Now I had nothing to defend any longer so I could open my heart to hearing Spirit speak to me through others. I gave Spirit the permission to lovingly call me out via others whenever I was tempted to abandon or lose myself. I was no longer afraid of being called out because I knew it came from Love and not from some warped ego sabotage. I could trust my brothers and sisters because I trusted my Holy Self.
Are we willing to look past the ego’s appearance of attack regardless of the form and seek the gift beneath it? This is the necessary prerequisite to healing every one of our unconscious attractions to self-attack. If not and we feel resistance to this then we still value the problem. And what we value will manifest.
Who triggers you? And what triggers you? Are you ready to discover if you desire the real cause of these triggers healed? If so then you will find this following prayer instrumental in lifting the ego’s veil:
“Holy Spirit, help me to see the healing gift behind this appearance of adversity or judgment. What do my feelings of pain conceal? What is the happy gift disguised beneath my anguish? I want that and nothing else but that! I want this gift and this is the only thing I am willing to perceive and receive. I open my heart this precious Holy Instant in quiet expectation of this gift. If I choose to see this as a problem or as an attack then I abandon myself to the ego. Please help me see this with Christ Vision. My heart is open to receive the miracle in place of the hurt I feel. Amen.”
Signs of the Spiritual Ego
Before my own breakthrough in this area, I went through a period of what I call spiritual superiority. Of course I could not see it at the time as I was blinded by it. Many on the spiritual path will encounter this phase in varying degrees. This is a period whereby the ego is impelled to undertake the spiritual journey. Its goal is not to awaken from guilt and fear but to acquire a more superior façade; a higher status.
Initially the ego as our false-self is the one who is happy to embark upon the spiritual journey. It believes it can perfect itself as it acquires more and more spiritual wisdom. Its superficial aim is to improve self-esteem and amass spiritual knowledge. However it never dares ask which “self” needs esteem and knowledge.
The spiritual ego is the most armor-plated of all egos. It really is the toughest nut to crack. Many in their journey to return to wholeness experience this phase where the ego takes on yet another layer of inflation, of “identity”. Only this time it deems it legitimate because it has a spiritual label. This phase of the ego is still the ego however now it becomes largely impenetrable. From my own experience some of the traits of this phase are:
- Becoming overly identified with intellectual knowledge
- Defending that knowledge – spiritual righteousness
- Spiritual vanity and pride
- Spiritual superiority ( seeing others as less than)
- Lack of genuine emotional vulnerability and transparency
- Lack of radical self-honesty
- Lack of self-awareness, self-observation
- Lack of genuine curiosity
- Teaching more than listening and learning
- Lack of gratitude for others as teachers in their own right (students are teachers)
- Resistance to being “called out” – lack of accountability
- Wearing a mask of positivity (arising from fear)
- Engaging in spiritual debates (arising from the need to be right)
Every one of these expressions is simply a defense against awakening. As such they represent the ego’s many and varied delaying tactics.
How devoted are we to undoing our blocks to Love? Devotion to dismantling our resistance and defenses must be paramount in our practice. How self-aware are we? Do we observe our self as we speak? Do we ask our self “who” is speaking? Is it the ego or Spirit? Are we engaged at the heart or the intellect? And as we listen to others are we quick to formulate a response based on our intellectual knowledge? Or are we present to join the other in a precious Holy Instant allowing Spirit to reveal Christ Vision to us? Do we ask our self with radical self-honesty, “What is the purpose of this communication?” Is it to join at the heart in True humility, or do we join with the ego to prove our self as right?
It’s important to look at this list above with radical self-honesty yet make sure not to fall into self-judgment and guilt either. Guilt and self-judgment are ego attempts to separate you from Love and healing. The purpose here is to flush out any inconsistencies so they can be healed. And they cannot be healed until they are seen first. Once you recognize the areas which require healing you can then take them through the forgiveness process.