The End of Death, Volume 1; blog reference
The End of Death, Volume 1; copyright 2014

Some of us are plagued by it. Some suffer so badly from it that they literally abandon themselves emotionally and physically. False humility is perhaps one of the most unrecognized and insidious forms of the ego’s unconscious self-attack. I feel a great desire to write about this because I am the one who needs to read it. And re-read it. Over and over.

I asked Spirit to have my blocks to the awareness of Love’s presence healed. That meant allowing these often painful blocks to surface so they could be first seen with Spirit and then released in exchange for the miracle. In 2012 a series of related situations occurred that not only upset me but left me totally bewildered. I won’t be naming anyone here because ultimately the problem was in my own mind and therefore it was only my own perception that required healing.

The underlying theme of these situations was that I felt judged by others’ and sometimes downright attacked. And the instigating factor was always the same too. I would follow my passion, allowing Spirit to flow through me in whatever it was that I said or did. Another way to say this is that I would boldly step forward to follow my inner initiatives. But invariably there would be a backlash. My seemingly radical and assertive proclamations often triggered others’ ego’s. And the outcome was a projection of resentment or anger toward me. The key feelings it raised for me were rejection and total bewilderment. And these were very deeply seated feelings, ones that seemed to come from a distant past.

This painful ego pattern, one that I was sure I had already overcome, decided to escalate during 2012 and 2013. The purpose (as always) was so it could be seen in order to be healed completely. But I couldn’t quite forgive it until now, because I had not been ready to recognize the ego’s hidden belief, the one that I needed to witness with Spirit in order for it to be fully forgiven and healed. All I knew until recently was that this pattern of rejection and bewilderment triggered deep feelings of insecurity and danger about expressing myself fully and authentically.

Needless to say, I have felt significant inner conflict at times over this past year concerning this confusing issue. During this time I have also been a conduit for Spirit in writing this paradigm-shifting book, The End of Death and a co-facilitator of our life-changing workshops; yet as I look back I’m stunned to find that I have deliberately restricted myself from wholeheartedly unleashing and expressing what feels like a tsunami of Divine Wisdom. Not Nouk’s wisdom but Spirit’s Wisdom. Why?

Why have I been holding back? Why did I restrain and censor what Spirit had to say through me? Why did I judge myself so harshly? Why did I put other’s (ego) needs above my own? Why did I compromise myself for others? And why did I deliberately turn my own inner light down in the company of others?

Well then let’s answer these questions! I had been holding back, censoring and restraining my Holy Self because I believed what the ego had told me; that if I spoke my truth then I would be rejected and attacked. I judged myself so harshly because it kept me small. The ego said that keeping myself small meant I’d be safe from attack while flying under the radar.

Until very recently I still compromised myself for certain individuals, putting their ego needs above my own inner wisdom. The ego’s advice again; “If you listen to your own inner wisdom you will surely be alienated and attacked. Your inner wisdom will leave you isolated, confused and bereft of Love. Best to conform to the status quo and always attempt to please other’s ego’s. Besides, your needs are not as important as others. Being good is spiritual. Serving your own needs is selfish.”

How did this ego pattern serve the ego? And what did it keep me from?

This old pattern, had it endured, would have kept me stuck in my false self with its insane beliefs and values. I would have never known the immense security and power of my true Identity; my Holy Self. Additionally, not recognizing my Holy Self meant that I would never recognize another’s true Identity either. Hence the Love and safety I sought in others would never be found and kept, because I wouldn’t have been able to accept firstly that this Love and safety was within my Self.

This ego pattern of false humility kept me from discovering real Love, true union, joy, liberation, infinite security and inner peace. It diverted my attention from seeing that all perceived judgment or attack arose from just one source, within my own mind. Sneakily the ego managed to stop me from recognizing the real source of my suffering so that it would not be healed. While I believe my suffering is caused by others then I’ll never locate its true origin and will consequently reject real healing. Note: See the forgiveness/Atonement process here

In the past when I believed the ego’s false humility I would literally abandon myself. When I compromised myself for another, I would leave myself; sometimes emotionally and sometimes physically. I would reject my own inner promptings and dishonor my Self. I didn’t realize that to dishonor my own inner wisdom was to reject God’s Love, to deny God’s Will for me.

When I delved even deeper into my radical self inquiry, I found that my false humility was really supreme arrogance in disguise. After all,  the Self that I had tried to diminish, the one that I was so accustomed to compromising for others, was none less that my God Self. I realized that by playing small, by buying into the ego’s judgment of my inadequacy and unworthiness, I was shutting out God’s Love. The ultimate in arrogance. And I saw clearly that the ego’s smallness and the Holy Self’s greatness were completely and mutually exclusive. While we’re in one we reject the other.

False humility is highly esteemed by the ego. As such it is one of the last great defenses against God that we willingly relinquish. Why? Because without this false sense of self, we would discover that we are God’s Self – perfect and eternally guiltless.

I was stunned by my recent clashes with this old ego pattern of false humility. I had a one month teaching tour in Europe and alarmingly, I experienced four instances where I abandoned myself through attempting to compromise for others. The heat of my ego issue most certainly got turned up and instead of trusting, I fell into despair. I slid into the belief that something went wrong; because I was wrong. And I couldn’t seem to extricate myself from this hopeless ego belief.

Not until later did I recall a very important point. One that I talk about in my previous book, Take Me to Truth. Part of the ego’s earlier phase of undoing involves withdrawing our blame onto others, the past and the world. We begin to recognize that these are simply ego smoke screens projected outward to obscure discovery of the one source of all suffering, which is our own hidden guilt expressed as unconscious self-hatred.

But the part that I totally forgot about was this; that as we withdraw blame from the outside (as I did with my perceived adversaries), the ego cunningly turns the blame within. Hence the escalation of my cruel self-judgment. But as Jesus explains in A Course in Miracles, self-judgment is just as destructive as judgment of others.

 After what seemed like forever I called my dear friend Sparo. Suddenly, with her help it all made sense. She helped me to reframe and to recognize the gift beneath the ego’s story. No wonder the heat got turned up on this issue. Obviously I was ready to have it healed once and for all! I see now that this particular issue represents a significant chunk of the ego’s core belief structure and I am grateful to have had it show up so forcefully – so as I finally chose to heal it, once and for all!

A short time ago, during the aftermath of one of these instances where I abandoned myself, I had a flash of memory. It surfaced as a feeling first until I questioned it more deeply. This most recent attack felt so familiar, so close. And then I saw it. My mother loved me when I was feeling defeated, sad or sick. And she punished me when I shone, the times I was happy or content. From this I learned to be small, to turn my light down while secretly resenting the people I sought to please. Seeing this so clearly helped me to make sense of the crippling pattern that I seemed to attract; the one that left me feeling rejected and bewildered. Now I recognized the ego’s hidden belief, this one that I needed to witness with Spirit in order for it to be fully forgiven and healed. And genuine relief and gratitude were the result.

I am learning that true humility, contrary to the ego’s pseudo version, comes from God. It is the willingness to question the false self and its intent. And it’s the courage to stay true to our Holy Self in the face of temptation. True humility emerges as we drop our ego beliefs, values, roles and conditioning. If this process is followed through then all that remains is God’s Self, our Holy Self; the Self that God created. And there is no conflict in this Self, only joy, Love and peace. True humility is the declaration and demonstration that we know “Who” everyone is because we recognize them first by looking within. And seeing only Love within we see only Love in everyone.     

Joyful Update 

I am overjoyed to include this wonderful update as of 2016. Giving this self-judgment over to Spirit via the Atonement, and practicing the truly valuable The 7 Keys to Authentic Communication… I no longer suffer from that dreadful sense of inadequacy (false humility).

I am the light of the world…(Lesson 61 in A Course in Miracles)

“Who is the light of the world except God’s Son? This, then, is merely a statement of the truth about yourself. It is the opposite of a statement of pride, of arrogance, or of self-deception. It does not describe the self-concept you have made. It does not refer to any of the characteristics with which you have endowed your idols. It refers to you as you were created by God.  It simply states the truth.” W-61.1.

“To the ego, today’s idea is the epitome of self-glorification. But the ego does not understand humility, mistaking it for self-debasement. Humility consists of accepting your role in salvation and in taking no other. It is not humility to insist you cannot be the light of the world if that is the function God assigned to you. It is only arrogance that would assert this function cannot be for you, and arrogance is always of the ego.” W-61.2.

“True humility requires that you accept today’s idea because it is God’s Voice which tells you it is true. This is a beginning step in accepting your real function on earth. It is a giant stride toward taking your rightful place in salvation. It is a positive assertion of your right to be saved, and an acknowledgment of the power that is given you to save others.” W-61.3.

” I am the light of the world. That is my only function. That is why I am here.” W-61.5:3-5.

The End of Death; A Manual for Holy Relationship

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